Hi y’all, g here, cub reporter for the Tanglewood Resident Times. I just recently came aboard and this is my first article. The Editor-in-Chief suggested I write about the different TMAC committees and even suggested I start by interviewing a dog and write about what it’s like to be new in Tanglewood from the dogs’ perspective.

So, here is the transcript of the interview with Her Ladyship Dülcinea del Toboso (our 15 month old Mini Golden Doodle, Dülce for short) about being the new dog on the block.

G: So Dülce, how do you like living here?

D: As opposed to the other house – I don’t have a yard to run in here but there are two parks for us dogs. There’s also none of that cold white stuff you call Satan’s cocaine and curse at here. I was just a puppy and that stuff was up to my belly. Didn’t care for that at all.

G: Yeah, snow. I don’t miss that much either. So the dog parks are pretty cool?

D: Yeah, really just a big space to run around in. There are two here, one close and one far. You and mom usually take me to the far one and I get to chase my Jolly Ball. Sometimes there are other dogs there to play with. I’m still young and a little afraid of the bigger dogs but I guess I’m getting used to them. There was only one that was a real mean bully, but I haven’t seen her in a while. Most of the dogs I meet there are pretty cool.

G: Any improvements you could suggest?

D: Well, one they did since we’ve been here – they put in a bunch of stones with pictures and names of some of the human’s dogs on them. That’s kinda nice. Although some are of dogs who have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, so that’s kinda sad, but kinda nice that their humans remember them like that. They also added a water hose so we can hydrate when we play. That’s great.

G: Anything else?

D: Well yes, there’s one thing, but I think I have to teach you something first for you and the other humans to understand it. Do you mind if I educate you?

G: Well, you’ve been doing it every day since the day we brought you home so no reason today should be any different.

D: Good. An open mind. So, pay attention and if I go too fast, let me know. So, we dogs are carbon based biological units. As such we take in oxygen, we expel carbon dioxide. We take in water, we expel pee. We take in food, we expel poop. It’s that last one that causes you humans all sorts of consternation. It seems humans find poop somehow repulsive. To us, it “just is” and not a big deal. But humans want it to go away. So most of my dogs’ friends have humans who, like you and mom, pick up after us and deposit it in a can over in the corner. But some don’t, and this causes great distress to the others. So much so that mom walks around the park and picks up poop other humans left behind and makes the deposit for them. She probably averages four or five every time we go. It seems to upset her, which bothers me. But what bothers me more is it cuts into my playtime. If she’s picking up poop, she’s not throwing my Jolly Ball. Priorities! It’s not a hard thing. I mean, if we can learn to live with cats, your kind should be able to do this for each other.

G: Why do you think so much is left behind?

D: Well, I want to believe that it’s not all intentional. I’ve seen times when there is a group of us in the park with our humans, the humans seem to congregate in a group and talk about us like we’re not even there. Rude. And that’s the problem, I think. If you are focused on other humans, you can’t be focused on us, so our pooping goes unnoticed. It’s not hard to understand. It’s as simple as Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle. If you equate the humans and dogs to canonically conjugate variables, it’s easy to understand that the more you focus on one, the less you can focus on others. It’s a fundamental limit in the dog park just as it is in quantum mechanics.

G: Wow, when you put it that way, it really seems simple. Just pick up your dog’s poop.

D: That’s why I’m glad I picked you and mom; you’re smart for humans – good students.