Floridians learn many surprises when moving to our little paradise of palm trees, sandy beaches, and natural wildlife. I loved not being charged sales tax on most groceries. How cool is that? But I must say weather was a complete surprise. I wasn’t expecting frost and baseball size hail to mutilate our plants, trees, and flowers three times in nine-years. I also learned shrubs meant to grow four feet would either die from lack of water or would grow eight feet taking over the entire garden. The golden rule of Florida plant life is, plants grow fast but weeds grow ten times faster! And, if your back doesn’t hurt when you arrive, you will be welcomed with open arms to one of Florida’s many clinics.
My biggest surprise as a Floridian was learning how heat and humidity affect rubber and elasticity when you are away. Things break easily if your air conditioning and humidistat are not working hand in hand. Rubber dry-rots, white plastic turns yellow, and elastic loses its elasticity from humidity, sweat, and heat. While I was away, the elastic in my bras and underwear grew! And my expensive swimsuits tagged, “You’ll look 10 pounds thinner,” stopped sucking me in, and stretched causing me to sag! I was surprised the first time I came back for winter and put on a pair of underwear. They were falling off, and my bra straps were suddenly too long. Did something happen to my boobs? Did my waist shrink? Had I lost weight? Delighted, I rushed to the hated scale, hidden in the corner of the bathroom, under a thin veil of dust, stepped on it and was flabbergasted. Not only didn’t I lose weight I gained! How could I gain weight on a 3-hour flight? All I had was 3 bags of cashews and 2 expresso martinis.
Having an inquisitive mind, and still being in scale shock, I started looking for possible answers. I rationalized heat not only screwed up the batteries in the scale, sucked the life out of my underwear, and was responsible for my recent weight gain. The daily happy hours could not possibly be the culprit that created a “larger” me! My lifelong body calorie counter always excludes liquids. The deal was, if I didn’t chew it, to swallow it, the result was zero calories! This was a lifelong never fail-safe system.
I wondered if Florida had changed my face and my body metabolism and grabbed my trusty magnifying mirror. I was horrified! What the heck happened to the elasticity of my skin? My face was a horror story. This was not the face of the woman who moved here nine-years-ago. My once tight skin was stretching entirely too far when I performed the model’s “pinch test.” I could pull my facial skin halfway over my ear. And somehow my chin had multiplied from one to two. I had brown spots and my neck had excessive layers of skin like an old blood hound.
Thankfully, we have men to blame for everything, because Daryl promised Florida was a Fountain of Youth. Warm weather every day! We would lose weight! We would exercise! That Daryl has always been a sweet talker and I believed him! Being curious, I googled Florida. The Fountain of Youth was hundreds of miles from Sebring. Lake Jackson was no substitute for St. Augustine unless you are having fun drinking alcohol and singing at Rick’s Karaoke! Thankfully, we are Floridians, with or without elasticity, enjoying the good life!
