The Pain Explained
As many of you may know, we had to euthanize our precious Mini Schnauzer, Maggie Maye Batey, on July 16th, only 4 days past her 15th birthday. The following day, another family in our neighborhood had to suddenly euthanize their pet named Max. The hurt and pain was indescribable for us as it is for most parents of our four legged pets. Yet, this bond we all share from losing a beloved pet, changes many of us as we put aside other disagreements and look for ways to comfort others as we would want to be comforted when death knocks at our door.
In doing some research I found a video on Youtube -Ted Talks from an ER Veterinarian named Sarah who has trained and prepared for these situations and offered some comforting words…
Her career of dealing with critically injured pets, and their frantic families, gives her a compassionate perspective that only comes with experience and helping many animals to have a soft goodbye.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
The pain you feel for your pets is real because your love and emotions you felt for them is real. It’s okay to cry and mourn. The grief associated with pet loss is valid, because you didn’t lose a ‘thing’, you lost a someone, someone close and special to you. She went on to say she was going to warn us now (those watching the video)that this is a sad subject and you may cry, even ‘ugly cry’. She promised she would help us to understand why this is so hard. And, understanding is the first step to healing, and feeling better.
The first thing we need to know is that grief is a bona fide medical condition with documented symptoms. The American Psychological Assoc. lists them. They are crying insomnia, fatigue, confusion and a feeling of profound sadness. That means the pain you feel and the dysfunction you suffer after you’ve lost a pet isn’t just valid, It is normal! Do you know what else is normal when you suddenly lose a pet or have to make a euthanasia decision? It’s reliving every minute and every decision that led to that point. Do you know why you do that? You do that because emotional pain hurts just like physical pain and we are hard wired to recognize pain as a teacher.
Our body has reflexes that will pull our hand off a hot stove. We pull ourselves to safety even before we know the burn has occurred. Unfortunately, no such mechanism exists for emotional pain. That means we need to study the events that led to the pain, to try to learn something from it and avoid it in the future. The ER doctor was sure this was a highly effective mechanism that helped our ancestors survive, but now reliving those decisions just feels like punishment. When she talks to people about pet loss and explains to them it is different than losing a human, they believe it because they feel it, but they don’t know why it’s different. She gives several reasons why it’s different.
First, our society tends to diminish the validity of pain of pet loss. They act like it is almost histrionic (theatrical), like you’re just grieving for attention. It’s funny, because nobody questions our pets ability to make us happy. If they can make us so happy that we laugh out loud, then losing them can absolutely have the opposite effect and break our heart.
The second reason pet loss grief is different is because the relationship is different. When our pets look at us, they don’t judge. They don’t see our flaws. They look at us and they say with their eyes, “You are perfect, and I love you.” That is the warmest and most fulfilling connection to have. And that is what makes it so incredibly hard when those eyes go away. She’s had many people tell her like it was a terrible secret that they were confessing, “I cried more when my pet died than when my mom died.” That isn’t a terrible secret. If somebody criticized you or told you what a disappointment you were, of course you’re not going to miss them as much as someone who tells you everyday with their actions “I love you and I’m so glad that you are mine.” Even if you had an incredible Mom, her ability to speak makes all the difference. She could tell you she was tired, she didn’t feel good, that she had lived her life and she was ready to go. While it’s hard to hear at the time, but when you lose her, you get some peace. Our pets don’t have the ability to tell us that. That often means that when it’s their time to go, that’s our decision. That’s a heavy responsibility to carry.
The societal diminishment of pet loss grief, the unconditional love that makes the human animal bond, and our pet’s inability to speak, all make pet loss grief different from losing a human. And if that is enough explanation for you and you feel better, great, but there is more.
What makes pet loss grief hardest are the factors that made your relationship so special. Those factors are actual comorbidities to the grief. It means something that makes a bad situation even worse. There are five common ones when dealing with the death of a pet.
The first comorbidity is if you lost your pet or had to make a euthanasia decision due to a preventable accident, like the lady who left a topical chemotherapy tube down on her knight stand. It never occurred to her the puppy would get up there and chew up the tube. Chemotherapy is designed to kill fast growing cells. 100% of a puppy is fast growing cells. There was nothing the Vet Dr. could do. In that situation, it is natural to turn blame inward and beat yourself up. but you know, logically you can’t account for every single scenario. Of course you feel responsible, but you need to know that animals are so much better at forgiveness than humans. The only person holding a grudge against you is you.
The second comorbidity is if the pet you lost was a rescue, not the riotous puppy but the adult you found at the shelter whose sad eyes looked hollow. A broken soul that learns to love and trust again because you opened up your heart. And if you lost your pet because you had to make a euthanasia decision and give them a soft goodbye, yet, that hurts. You know that you made that decision because you were saving them from the imminent pain, fear and suffering that lay ahead. Your first rescue brought them joy. Your final rescue gave them peace.
The third comorbidity is not if you rescued your pet, but if they rescued you. If they got you through a crisis with their calm presence, reminding you that you are loved and you have someone to live for. ‘I can tell you in my own life when I reached out for a hand, I found a paw. In your lifetime together, your pet was devoted to you. And they proved it with their actions when you needed it the most. But they left your side when they had no other choice, (when they had to go eat or go to the bathroom.) When you let them go, you made that decision because you had no other choice. They understand no other choice situations and they understand the choice you made.
The fourth comorbidity is if you lost a pet that was a living link to someone you loved and lost before and now losing that pet feels like losing them all over again. Yes, that hurts, but you have treasured your shared pet. So you did twice the loving and you can feel proud that you honored that person’s memory with regular offerings of food, water, and affection to a furry temple of love. Of course you are going to grieve because you did a good job loving both that person and your shared pet. But you need to keep going now because someone else needs your love. You need to love yourself like you loved both of them. The person who needs your love now, is you.
The fifth comorbidity is perhaps the hardest and that is when you lose a pet that is more than a pet. The Dr learned about this early in her career when she did the hardest euthanasia that she had ever done. It was for a man who was mildly intellectually disabled and he had a very sick little dog whom he had named ‘Girl’. She was in end stage liver failure. There was nothing the Vet could do no matter how much she wanted to save her. She could not, and she told the man that. And he answered her in a voice choked with desperate anger. And he said, ‘You don’t understand, I’m special. the girl that I love the most is this girl and she loves me, too. I need her.” The Vet did understand and didn’t know what else to say, and he didn’t either. So he decided to test her. He became very quiet and he said, almost in a whisper, “I’m not supposed to tell anybody this, but I have a credit card and I will give it to you and I will keep it a secret if you will just fix Girl.” that moment hurt then and it still does. When she said no to his credit card, he understood and he told her goodbye. But he took off her collar and put it on his wrist as a bracelet. He came back to the hospital later to show her he was still wearing it.
Are you going to question his sense of loss? Are you going to tell him that all the love he gave her and she gave him wasn’t real? Are you going to suggest he should just get over it or just to replace her like she was some broken toy? Of course not, so don’t say those things to anybody else, but especially not to yourself. The pain of pet loss is real and the grief from pet loss is valid. After ‘Girl’s dad held her for a final time, he asked if our pets go to heaven. She told him of course they do. Our pets share our homes not because they pay the mortgage but because they fill it floor to ceiling with love and laughter. Their joy gives us something to look forward to every single day. Why would God’s house be any different?
Pet loss grief; the pain explained | Sarah Hoggan DVM | TEDxTemecula
